Healing Hurts, Staying Wounded Hurts More
Most people want to heal. We don't think twice about treating physical injuries. We set broken bones, take medication when we're sick, and seek treatment when something hurts. Yet when it comes to emotional wounds, many of us do the exact opposite.
We deny it, we ignore it, we reframe it (what didn’t kill us makes us stronger!…) we disconnect from it, we numb it, we do everything but address it. Why? Why do we do that?
Because often the thought of healing it is terrifying.
Remember when you were a kid and you’d get a sliver in your hand or your tooth was loose and your parent or older sibling would want to check it out? We’d yell, “Fine! Just don’t TOUCH it, JUST look!” We instinctively knew that where we hurt was vulnerable and therefore susceptible to even more pain. So we guarded it, protected it, maybe even hid it. And, I mean, we aren’t wrong. Pulling out a sliver, or a tooth - hurts. In fact, addressing almost any wound (setting a broken bone, cleaning out an infected wound, treating a sunburn, etc, etc, etc.) comes with some level of discomfort. The same thing is true of treating emotional wounds. The reality is - it hurts to heal.
But not as bad as staying wounded.
Whether you are suffering from a broken bone or a broken heart. A shattered spine or a shattered soul. Muscle fatigue or emotional fatigue. Healing is needed. Yes, the process can be uncomfortable, getting started can feel overwhelming, and not knowing what to expect can feel scary. But none of it is as bad as staying stuck in your suffering. That’s why the first step in healing is to choose it. This is where we learn to pick our pain.
Whether you're in therapy, reading a book, joining a support group, or simply becoming more honest with yourself, healing begins with taking inventory. You gotta assess the damage. Maybe that inventory reveals anxiety, unresolved grief, shame, trauma, resentment, or patterns you've carried for years. Even if you don't yet fully understand why you're hurting, you can begin to recognize the level of mental and emotional suffering you're carrying. And then you have a choice to make. Stay in the pain you are in, or choose a different kind of pain - the pain that comes from healing. You have to pick your pain.
When we look at it through this lens, we realize two things. First, there is no magic pill or shortcut we can take, and no matter which way we slice it, discomfort is still on the menu, at least for a little while. Second, we naturally trend towards the devil we know rather than the devil we don’t. When we are already in pain, the thought of more pain or new pain can feel unbearable. And at least we know what to expect with this pain. But here’s the kicker: the pain that comes from unhealed wounds serves no purpose. It is suffering to no end and for no reason. And even worse, it is not uncommon for it to be residual pain from past trauma or woundedness at the hands of others - which means that as long as we are in that pain, they still have power over us. They are still hurting us.
The past is still present, and the pain is still winning. F that.
But the pain that comes with healing is different. It isn’t needless suffering. It’s pain with a purpose. And pain with purpose is easier to choose. Nobody enjoys physical therapy after surgery. Nobody enjoys rehabilitating a torn ACL. But people endure the pain because they understand what it leads to. Yes, there is discomfort, but healing also includes a whole bunch of other things. Healing also brings relief, hope, clarity, and freedom. And if you’ve experienced those, you know just how coveted and priceless they can be.
As humans, we naturally shy away from the unknown and avoid pain at all costs. We have stereotypical ideas of what therapy looks like (cue white bearded man next to the long couch). We don’t want people to see us reading that book. We cringe at the thought of a support group. And words like vulnerable make us want to gag. So we stay as we are. Suffering in our purposeless pain.
But once you realize why healing feels scary and accept that whichever path you choose has pain, something shifts inside of you. You realize - you get to pick. You alone have the power. And since you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t when it comes to discomfort - why not choose the path where any pain experienced has a purpose and the power to transform you?
A hard truth to accept is this: most of the time we are trying to avoid something that already happened. The trauma already occurred. The abuse already took place. The heartbreak already happened. You already survived the worst of it. So the question isn't whether you're going to experience pain. You already did, and likely still are. The question is whether you'll continue carrying the pain that keeps you stuck or choose the pain that helps you heal. But the choice is yours. Choose wisely.
